Things I Never Thought I Would Say, Vol. 1

• No more sawing pressurized cans in half, even if you cover it with a towel to absorb the shrapnel (truly, said this just 2 weeks ago)
• Quit body-slamming your sister
• Don't bring any more things in this house that are alive
• By the look on your face, I can tell I don't want to smell/taste/see what's in your hand (I've said this more than once)
• How many more bugs are you planning to kill today?
• For reals, stop playing with the lawnmower and go read a book!
• No, you may not have a whipped cream sandwich
• You're going to have a good time, whether you like it or not 
• Hello? Poison Control?  Yes, my name is Jenny Babcock/Meredith Smith/Renee Johnson. I hope you can help me, but this one may stump you... (Also, change your phone number each time-that's how they track it...or so I hear)

As a parent, have you ever said anything that made you think, "Holy shit, did I just SAY that?"